I guess I am, maybe I’m not. I probably am. Long time no see, eh. Writing for the therapeutics of it, and although I have an infinity of things to reflect on, rant on and explore into, I don’t expect for them to flow out just now. Although writing that paperwork was a good way to remember the processes in which my inner perceptions can be made inteligible for those who may care to do so.. I'll just let this flow with no specific topic. Writing has always been such a pleasant experience to me cause it never seizes to amaze me. I mean, don’t you find it impressive that we can express such great amounts of knowledge acquired from millions of different sources, by combining 26 letters in a infinite range of possibilities? I know i do.
And I don’t care what y'all say. Weed is amazing, yes, but maybe we should all smoke a little less of it. I mean, I should. Probably.
But the word of the moment is: empowerment.
Empoderamento. I now see myself in a position I didn’t see before. I now understand what it means to be who I am, the things I represent just by existing in a way that I feel comfortable with. To really feel that my identity as a black person is more than just a burden: it is in fact a call to arms. To feel that my lack of identification with the gender binary is more than just an explanation to why I have often felt so lonely and awkward whenever gender was a matter: it is a political statement. To feel how privilege works and how its main tool is its so-called invisibility - To feel that I can make other people understand these things; more than understand them, I can make them feel these things, bring enlightenment and empower people by just sharing my experiences and the knowledge i’ve gathered through various reflections - and if I’m able to do that it’s only because I’ve learned to shut up and listen. One can live an entire life without realizing some of these things, because to be aware and to be empowered is more than to just know things, more than to just see things - I’ll often describe it as a sort of epiphany, like as if a blurry lens had suddenly been removed from your vision and you are able to see things clearly for the first time. It’s like all those things you’ve always sorta known connect with eachother and build a narrative that is consistent and logical. I feel like I own myself more than ever before. And that is a very lonely place to be in.. because it has to be. Some things stop being funny. Some people stop being interesting, some movies start to suck and some behaviours start to get in your guts. And sometimes you just don’t wanna get out of bed because every battle that is won just seems to just make the war bigger and bloodier. You start to see more suffering, to feel more of it - it is so frustrating to know why things suck but still not being able to make it stop. But I believe that by making others feel those things, you get more allies who seem to join the battle simply because they see no other choice.
I have no choice. I
have to be me. I just have to.
love
x