on being the only black kid

Who was raised in a all-white environment far away from any positive reference on black people, black culture or anything that made me feel good about being black. And as a teenager growing up, listening to all those white kids playing rock music and trying not to go out in the sun too much because it made my skin darker and hating my hair cause i couldn’t get it to look like those punk kids i saw on MTV. On spending half of my life thinking i was just too ugly for anyone to ever like me, when in fact where i come from, black people are simply ruled out as undesirable, i mean - we’re not even recognised as someone who could be liked and desired that way. And I didn’t recognise myself that way either. Which it’s not all kids’ fault: they ain’t never seen a black person being portrayed as something other than 1) the black lady working at their houses (who is “just like family”); 2) the young black male being arrested on the TV news; 3) the black guy who is really good at sports; 4) the hip-hop star who they keep trying to act like; and 5) the black drug dealer on the movies who says all those cool catch frases (“dadinho é o caralho…”) and acts really violent and impulsive. Man, that last one is the worst. I lost count on how many times i heard white kids being soooo fucking racist while imitating those characters - and how i never said a thing. And oh- i’m not even getting into the representativeness of black women, because well, it simply doesn’t exist. Not outside of the carnival weaved hair mulata sex object stereotype. Of course you feel like an alien, man. Sure as fuck i wasn’t that carnaval girl - I didn’t have long weaved hair and perfect peach skin with that prefect round booty to be consumed by drunk gringos. Fuck, if anything, i wanted to be as far away as possible from being anything like that. 

And being the “Safe black friend”. Like “hey i’m clearly not racist, i mean, i’m friends with you right?” Fuck you white boy, stop saying “nigga” all the time and acting all hip-hop while treating your housekeeper as a second class citizen. Just please stop, you’re making a fool of yourself. 

Stop saying “i know how you feel bro” because you don’t. You wake up everyday not having to stop for a second to think about the color of your skin and how it can affect the way your day goes by. Stop saying you’re “color-blind”, stop saying you don’t see any difference between us. We are different. If you don’t recognise that, you don’t recognise your privilege and that makes you an asshole. 

You see, all throughout my life, whenever i’m out with friends there’s always that one moment i look around and realise that, hey, i’m the only black kid here. And that puts me in a fucked up position - makes me feel like i have to represent something. Well i fucking don’t. 

And please, stop touching my hair and saying how it’s oh so fluffy and different. Stop saying “YOOO” and doing that weird dance every time we meet. Bet you don’t do that when see any other white friend approaching, do you? 

Look, i love all my friends. But man, i wish i had someone to share these things with, because none of them would even begin to comprehend - hell, i’m only starting to understand them myself. I just wish i had seen some things sooner, you know? I mean, i wish i’d realised sooner that the reason why i never felt like i fit in wasn’t just because “i’m just a little bit weird and shy”. That would’ve made my teenage years a lot easier. 

Anyway.

Being the only black kid can get very lonely sometimes. 

x